Only a few, who remain children at heart, can ever find that fair, lost path again. The world calls them its singers, poets, and story-tellers but they are just people who have not forgotten.
Since autumn began I've been attempting to fit my book in around family commitments and being a housewife. It doesn't really work. I remember those days back when I left for the office. I recall the feeling of relief, of being in that safe space defined by clear boundaries marked 'work'. That place where the threshold was rarely crossed by 'family'.
There was a degree of separation found there. A door more-or-less closed on the reality that is home life and all of those things that happen there ... from poo-filled nappies and sleepless nights, to sick cats and people you have powerful emotional ties to.
Work was always a place where I existed at another level. Where, more often that not, objectivity was a state of being more simply found. And I was paid for my presence, my hours, my labour.
Working from home, around a family life I rarely decribe here, oh my ... it's a topic I almost never touch. But there is no degree of seperation. I use the bathroom here amd I realise that I am also the cleaning lady and dammit, I haven't cleaned the bathroom lately. I go downstairs for lunch and realise I'm the baker and that a new loaf needs to go in for breakfast tomorrow. I make a coffee and see the dishes need washed and dried and put away. I take a shower, need a towel and voila, I realise there are 3 loads of laundry there in the queue. And what's for dinner tonight ...?
And really, I just want to hunker down in that seperate space called 'the office', and work for my money, and be objective but it's so unrealistic. I was trained from a very young age that I needed to be responsible ... as the eldest sister, as a good little girl from Mosgiel.
Gifting myself permission ... no, gifting myself the luxury of writing all day, it's something I am battling with at every level. This last week has been impossible. There are moments where I can do my writing work but as it is only the'possibility of income' ... can I even call it work? Don't so many, as in those who know 'money doesn't grow on trees', view it as a luxury? This writing lark.
When you read of money and trees, did you find yourself adopting the deep voice of your father or some other remembered voice of authority? I think only men have said that to me. They get so mad with me and my lack of gratitude. It's only the housework and the family. You have it so easy.
But I'm wondering ... 'really?'
Anyway, I'll work it out and meanwhile, the image below. My childish self loves the notion that there are the possibility of other worlds in puddles.